During the weekend, I’ve completed my first version of a desktop gaming PC, with an RTX 3080, super-fast hard drive, and more RGB than needed. Once I was fully settled I didn’t push Cyberpunk 2077ray tracing abilities of at max. I haven’t dived into the world of overclocking. I don’t even have a single Satoshi of mine. Instead, I used Sit Points in Chair simulator, a free Steam game that lives up to its name.
Chair simulator is the last drop of MSCHF, viral pranksters known for memes such as Jesus shoes (And subsequent Satan shoes), Finger on the appand mount a paintball gun on a Boston Dynamics Spot robot. The game is silly, insane, and strangely enjoyable – an embodiment of that specific type of late-night sleepover energy.
Everyone has heard of agriculture and immersive life simulators, but there are tons of weird simulation games available on Steam. Goat simulator and Microsoft Flight Simulator are two of the more well-known options, but players can also simulate obscure, often mundane tasks like build a pc, powerful wash, and vinification. Chair simulator definitely falls into the latter category.
Do not Sit down there
Starting a new game offers a hilarious choice of low-poly playable characters. The names are outstanding – choose from Dillion Francis, FaZe Jarvis, Corinna Kopf, M. Beast and other MSCHF associates. (I played like Neekolul, who happily called me boomer every time I sat down.) Your goal is to sit down, earn Sit Points, and buy all 100 chairs. That’s it. This is your only goal. Part relaxing, part aggravating, this game is exactly as strange as it sounds.
You earn Sit Points (SP) for – you guessed it – sitting. However, you will need to keep an eye on your discomfort indicator. If it gets too high, you will earn points more slowly. Ignore it any longer and you will die. Permanently. There are no save states. It’s like a lesser stake Dark souls.
After sitting and standing and sitting again for over half an hour of my actual lifespan on this planet, I sailed Neekolul to the only other environment in the game: an IKEA-esque storefront offering rooms. labyrinthine exhibitions full of chairs. I had an ottoman (50 SP), a piano bench (200 SP) and dozens of other seating options. Then I fell on the Iron Throne, priced at 800 SP. I knew what I had to do.
I went back to my original folding chair, sat down, and stood up, and let my discomfort indicator reset, and sat down again. I switched to a slightly less uncomfortable chair – an Orgone option worth 450 SP – and started earning points faster. Finally, I accumulated enough to unlock the Iron Throne, and despite the lack of any tangible achievement, taking a seat made me feel like Daenerys. I actually exclaimed: “I have the Iron Throne!»In my living room at 3 am. No one was there to party with me, to care. No one was around to witness the madness in my eyes as I decided to finish the rest of my meaningless Pokédex furniture.